


Thunderfell

by ThatScottishShipper



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Brother/Brother Incest, Depression, Don’t post to another site, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Regret, Survivor Guilt, teasing related to weight gain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-25
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-31 16:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18595513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatScottishShipper/pseuds/ThatScottishShipper
Summary: Thor hated the quiet moments.They always reminded him everything and everyone he loved and lost.*Spoilers for Avengers: Endgame*





	Thunderfell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LightOfTheLucii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightOfTheLucii/gifts).



> Major spoiler warning for Avengers: Endgame is in effect. Please be mindful when reading further. Thank you.

Thor _hated_ the quiet moments.

He always had. They tortured him in a manner most physical.

Resurrected every demonising memory of his losses and failures, like the unsightly reflection of his own personal mirror presented before him.

He wanted to blot out the demons with battle and drink, though in the past few years, the latter had been his preference.

 

As breathtaking and powerful the spectacular sight of a Thunderstorm was, Lightning always crashed towards the Earth.

He grunted, trying to single out something other than the darkest corners of his mind, slowly seeping through him, and threatening to consume everything.

 

Even in the vast infinity of space, shooting past the cosmic path of stars, Thor spent his entire journey with the self proclaimed Guardians of the Galaxy, trying to avoid the silence, and all the heartwrenching memories that came with them.

They had joked about him, about how _soft_ he has grown in those difficult five years since taking out Thanos. The pounds had piled on since closing himself away in New Asgard, as heavy drinking became a part of his day life.

Without it… Thor dared not entertain it.

 

He tried to accept the jokes were part in parcel of being an Avenger. Playful teasing, childish japes to take the edge of the unthinkable they committed to each and every day. That at the end of the day, the Avengers were his family, and they cared about him.

But in honesty, in the dead of night, and the rare spells of reflection by himself did Thor dare to entertain why it bore the greatest weight upon his heart. He was reminded of everything he had failed to do, including learning to live again in a world without those he knew and loved.

Everything and everyone stolen before and after The Snap, something he should have prevented. But failed to, and existence itself paid the hefty toll.

His beloved Asgardians spare a small few. His confidence in failing to take down the tyrant sooner.

And, of course, his trickster brother, Loki, of whom he had slowly begun to mend his fractured relationship with.

 

No amounts of hard alcohol, and sheltering himself away from the world spared Thor the heartache of remembering his beloved brother. Loki’s curled black locks and mischievous blue eyes, that playful smile preluding the birth of some prank or master plan.

The clever Loki always kept one step ahead when he could, tried so hard to be on the winning side, but it had been a decision of the heart that sealed his fate. And Thor never forgave himself for it.

And despite the miracle of all living life that had been snapped away restored, Thor still lamented the absence of his dear Loki behind a smile that never quite reached his eyes.

 

His great heart wept, the loss still raw these many years later, yearning for those past moons of indulging in the talk of what was surely to come, or the first time Thor _saw_ it.

The cosmic radiance within those emerald green eyes, glimmering with joyous life whenever they gazed upon one another. The fleeting chances between life or death struggles where fear held him back.

The closest he ever came was soon before the arrival of Thanos’ ship engulfed theirs with an oppressive shadow. Thor's heart rested on the tip of his tongue, the sight of endless stardust casting a strangely peaceful glow upon his brother.

Something about those majestic green eyes, speckled by starlight, took Thor's breath away, and for a time, the right moment existed.

Then Thanos came and took everything from him.

 

Another reason Thor despised the silence was his own, costing him the heavy burden of keeping his heart locked.

He lost that chance.

 

By his side, Rocket approached, joining him in observing countless stars and planets pass them by on their way to a new adventure. Beside the towering Asgardian, the raccoon stayed silent, sharing this poignant moment with the friend he had come to know.

Finally, Thor’s voice broke the spell, an admission of strength greater than any battle he threw himself into.

“I hate the quiet, little rabbit.”

And Rocket simply nodded. “Yeah, big guy. Me too.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. This was a quickie. I went to see Avengers: Endgame midnight showing, and it was a Rollercoaster ride, jet me tell you. As positive as the experience was, I was uncomfortable with a couple of plot elements.
> 
> The first was the representation of Thor, who was a walking, talking joke because he put on weight. I felt myself and my gf were the only ones not laughing in the theatre, and this went on and on.
> 
> I really felt for Thor, who carried a lot of guilt and hurt from what he lost, including not taking out Thanos on the first try, the loss of many of his people, and of course, the death of Loki, who never came back.
> 
> This is something of a thought piece as to what Thor's mindset was during Endgame, and why he was hit so hard. Men with PTSD and depression rarely get respectful rep, and sadly, Endgame kind of treated it like a joke for a long part of the film, so I wanted to make it more about the feelings and what Thor was going through.
> 
> The Loki is for my beloved other half and anyone else who loves that ship. Sorry it's tinged with angst here. First time writing it, so I hope I did good.


End file.
